Society says you have to have sex all the time. If you don’t you’re either sick or depressed.
An interview with Veronica.
Veronica | Age: 38 | Location: Madrid, Spain | Occupation: Tourism professional | No. of sexual partners: 3
Why did you take part?
I was curious about the research.
What events in your life shaped your sexuality? What’s your story?
I was abused by a half brother, 9 years older than me. I was 4 or 5 when he started kissing and touching me. He didn’t fuck me but he did abuse me. I never really talked to him much since.
I got my first period when I was 12. In Venezuela you have sex as soon as you get your period but at this time I was a fat nerd busy with learning while others were socialising. I spent a lot of time with adults growing up - doing courses, and in my family. The first person that I was attracted to was a man marrying my auntie. I was 16 and all that was forbidden. He liked me too but we respected the situation. There was a lot of looking.
At 18 I had my first boyfriend. We were together for 4 years but we didn’t have penetrative sex. I loved him but I was very afraid of being pregnant, didn’t want to take pills and never believed in condoms. I never had a lot of desire anyway. I always stopped things when he got too excited. It all felt nasty, not clean. I lost my virginity in a very funny way. I was going to go to Austria to study and an aunt told me to go to a gynaecologist before going. She was shocked to find out I’d never been to a gynaecologist at 23. The doctor asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said I did which to him meant I was having sex. He used the speculum and that’s how I lost my virginity. I was old to be a virgin in my society, they start at 12. The doctor was shocked but did it anyway. I felt cleaner this way. It wasn’t a trauma. I thought for sure I’d have normal sex in Austria - the men there are handsome. I decided to get an IUD before going. The doctor thought it was crazy to do that as a virgin but he finally did put it in.
Before I went to Austria I had a digital relationship with a boy from there, like a boyfriend. I finished the 4 year relationship because of him. He traveled a lot but said he would come visit me once I was in Austria. He was the first man I had a real sexual relationship with. It wasn’t real love but we had sex. I was very flirty in Austria but not much really happened. And then I met my husband. We had sex at the beginning and it was ok. I never had a sexual partner that made me go crazy. I don’t really have much to compare against to be fair. My husband wasn’t really interested in what I liked. I don’t find sex very important in my life; that’s why I’m still with him. He doesn’t insist on sex so he’s a good man for me. He’s a nice man. He likes to show off in public that he is loving to me but in private he is cold. I had a 4 year relationship while married. Sometimes it felt good to not follow the rules of the society when I was unfaithful to my husband. Rationally I know that if my husband ever likes another girl I cannot complain, I cheated on him. My lover was a misogynist but I was addicted. I like to be with very smart people which is why I liked him. At the beginning he was nice but he didn’t develop love for me since I told him I wasn’t going to leave my husband for him. He started to just use me for sex. I still wanted him to love me, to be a friend but he said no. For sure my husband knew I had a lover. I kinda wanted him to know. I was very careless. I would have told him if he asked but I was never brave enough to tell him. I’m sick now but when I’m not sick I will go out and find love. With my husband it’s boring but it’s peaceful. We can be life partners but to feel in love I will have to go out into the street.
What does sex mean to you?
Society thinks you have to have sex all the time. If you don’t you’re sick, you’re depressed. I only see it as a reproductive thing. It’s not a fun thing that you do to be happy. So many things I don’t like about sex. The hygiene. When you have sex with a man you smell like him. Feels dirty. Something you have to do, like a duty.
What’s difficult about sex?
My husband is not that interested in me sexually. It makes me feel rejected, but it’s selfish. I don’t want to have sex with him but I want to know wants it with me.
What do you most enjoy about sex?
Hard to say!
Do you orgasm?
I had nice sensations but I don’t know if that’s orgasm. Like when you’re drunk and your head starts spinning, you know?
How often do you have sex?
Nowadays never, maybe twice in a year.
How do you see female sexuality portrayed in the society?
Women have to show what they have to attract men. It’s like selling ourselves. Being available and visual so they can choose. Makes me angry.
Do you masturbate?
What’s your advice to women?
I cannot give advice because I’m the worst example. I have no idea.
What’s your advice to men?
Just be yourself and as kind as possible. If you don’t have feelings, don’t tell someone you do, it’s misleading. Don’t lie.
Is there anything you want to explore?