I self-soothed as a child a lot by rubbing myself down there. 70% of my childhood pictures I have my hand down there.
An interview with Kirsty.
Kristy | Age: 30 | Location: London, UK | Occupation: Massage therapist | No. of sexual partners: 27
Why did you take part?
I’m kind of dipping feet into my own sexual revolution so felt curious to explore this more.
What events in your life shaped your sexuality? What’s your story?
The way I was conceived had a massive impact on me. I wasn’t born from sex. I was made in a lab with anonymous sperm, then placed in my mother’s body. I was always told about the way I was born. At 4 years old I got a book to understand how I was born but really as a 4 year old I didn’t have the consciousness to get it. It very very much felt that I was very different in some way and it had confused me about sex. A lot of this stuff has been repressed for many years. My parents always told me I should be grateful but that didn’t exactly help me reflect about my own emotions about it. I wasn’t given the space to figure stuff out for myself. 4 years ago I had this experience that brought things to the surface. I took way too much mushrooms going out with my friends. Found myself hallucinating so hard that I prayed to god for it to stop - so intense. Something broke through and I just cried for 3-4hrs. I kept asking myself why. I suddenly “got” that I didn’t know who my biological father was. Felt rejection. It was grieving for the father I never had, the pain I wasn’t allowed to feel. The emotions were so repressed under so many layers for so long. It’s something I still work with.
I was quite emotionally neglected by my parents. My two older brothers are very troubled and aggressive and since I was quiet, I fell into the background. I self-soothed as a child a lot by rubbing myself down there. 70% of my childhood pictures I have my hand down there. At around 6 years old I started to have sexual experiences with girlfriends of mine. We’d pretend play except I’m not sure how much we were pretending. Played strippers, did lap dances. Sometimes it was quite emotional, especially the making out. It was really about needing closeness from another person. I kind of knew I was doing something wrong, that I shouldn’t get caught.
By the time I got to 12, it was all about the boys. I felt like I was sex crazy. I had boys plastered across my wall. Some girls would put up bunnies and cats, I just had men with their tops off. I was a horny little fuck at 12. I was 6ft and I looked like a woman and dressed like one too. Mini dresses and push up bras. I also had a very romanticised side of me from TV and Disney. I wanted to save my virginity and do all that ‘for the right man’. I made my boyfriend wait till I was 15 - a girl who had done it at 14 was considered a slut at school so I wanted to make sure that wasn’t going to happen to me. We were together for 9 months, and very sexual. He wasn’t a virgin and that was kind of exotic. When we did have sex I think I came like 8 times. We went sex mad. I used to come just from dry humping so after a while I stopped caring about penetration. I worried he would break up with me since I wasn’t satisfying him sexually. It became an issue. My neglect from my childhood started to show too - I was just obsessed with him. Because of having 2 fathers who weren’t present for me I held onto him for dear life. He was the only thing that gave me intimacy. Then one day I asked myself what if I wasn’t able to orgasm very easily and it was as if something switched off. I lost my connection to my pleasure, to my orgasm. Lost that ability to be that vulnerable with someone. To not orgasm became a power tool - to have power over the situation, not be vulnerable and not be that hurt. When things ended between us it was the deepest darkest period ever. All I did was art. I made sculptures of him. I didn’t really know how miserable I was until quite recently. There have been been a few of guys since him that I could orgasm with but it seemed like the less I cared about them the more I could orgasm. Like if it wasn’t going to go anywhere I could just be myself. At 16 I got a vibrator and it was like “that’s how I do it, but not with a guy.”
Between 19 and 23 I was with Mark and we were madly in love with each other. We had sex but I really just believed that I’m wasn’t going to be able to orgasm with him. I enjoyed the sex with him but it just wasn’t happening. I thought it was enough to break up over after the first year, I thought it was his fault. We went back to his house after trying to break up and told him that he never made me orgasm. I basically took his sexual confidence in one fine swoop. We carried on for another 3 years; by the end of it was just so sad. He used the sexual stuff against me. He wouldn’t really touch me. We’d only have sex in the mornings if he had a boner and he’d just fuck me. I was so grateful we’d have this pseudo intimacy. I would sometimes cry without him seeing or not seeing it.
After Mark I started going to fetish stuff, like Torture Gardens and stuff. I was trying to boost my confidence. I was taking copious amounts of drugs to numb the pain. I had a lot of sexual encounters back then. 27 total until today. I was searching for love from a man through sex. Searching for myself. But I was further and further detached from what was actually happening, detached from my body. The sexual encounters got more and more risque, out there, taboo, as I tried to push my boundaries. There wasn’t a lot of orgasm. I saw a coke and crack dealer for 3 months. Truly mental, now in prison. Got fucked on a lot on drugs. He had a real alcohol problem too. Once we went on a holiday together and then first morning 7am he freaks out. I took a lots of sleeping pills to just sleep through the last 2 days of the holiday. I just let him sleep with me.
It wasn’t until Charlie that my confidence died though. Within 48hrs of meeting I thought he my soulmate. He felt that way too. We were just head over heels with each other. He lived in California so we went on a holiday in Europe. I was mad for him. We had a great time in Europe. After that I went out to California to spend two weeks with him. He confronted me about me not orgasming. I had a breakdown. I had smoked weed almost all my life and I didn’t on that trip. It had been numbing everything. I cried at him for 2 weeks and left on the saddest note ever. I felt not good enough for him. I set out on a mission to improve myself for him. He talked about coming to see me for Christmas so I stopped smoking weed, started going to the gym. I wanted to be the best possible person for him. I realised how much I hated myself. Then he starts posting pictures of this girl on Facebook. I ask “WTF?”. We speak and within 10min he tells me he’s in love with me but he thinks he’s gay. Comes out. It’s his deepest darkest secret. And tells me the girl is his girlfriend. Tells me he needs to have girlfriends so no one suspects he’s gay. I didn’t want to lose him and for 2 years he keeps telling me I’m the only one that gets him. I had to draw the line out of self respect but I couldn’t.
By 2010 I’d been single and losing confidence. My ketamine addiction was at its highest. I started seeing Dan. He told me he really liked me and I told myself I really liked him too. Pretty quickly realised that he’s pretty much autistic. He said I wasn’t very sexy. Or sexy enough. I always thought I was amazing in bed and confident about that. Something I perfected. It was like he saw me, that deep down that I didn’t feel like that.
I went to Las Vegas with a friend who was very sexual. We ended up at a hotel with two men. Ridiculously luxurious. One of them was an old fat Jew and quite clearly gay. We go to a really expensive club. My friend flirts with the first guy and I’m left with the Jewish guy. I decided to get as drunk as possible. We kinda had fun dancing together. I’m just trying to get as drunk as possible. We end up going to his apartment. He offers me MDMA and cocaine. I’m all caught up in it. Next thing I know I’m having a bubble bath with him. I have a flashback of having sex with this guy. I can’t tell you how rank he was. I had sex with him for the drugs and alcohol. Got so mangled. I consented to it but it was one of those really low moments. I couldn't get my head around how I let that happen.
I went to a club night with my friend. Get totally fucked. Drinking heavily, taking ecstasy. I threw up on the dancefloor. I met this guy and went back home with him after 10 minutes of knowing him. I saw him for 3 months. I told him he could see me 8pm to 8am on Fridays, no contact otherwise. He was a very troubled soul. We’d get totally fucked together and have sex. I never felt more in power and more in control of the situation. I controlled everything. What we’d eat, what we’d do. Incredible sex. Over time it began to dawn on me that he was depressed and an alcoholic. It ended. After that I decided I would not have another man in my vagina if he didn’t care about me. It had to be a real thing.
I didn’t sleep with anyone for a few months. Then I met Jamie in the jungle. You know when you know someone’s troubled? We were 3-4 days together and decided to get married, have kids and move to NY to be with him. We were doing ayahuasca. Last day before he leaves he tells me we need to speak. Sits me down in tears. Tells me the reason why he’s in Peru is because the police is after him for battering his wife. That he has a 2 year old child. I was horrified but I thought “oh but he’s so vulnerable and willing to heal”. We said we’d see how it’d be but we’re so in love nothing will stop us! So in 3 weeks time I moved to New York to be with him. The essence was sexual. You’re not supposed to have sex on ayahuasca. We did. He asked me about what kind of a role I liked to play. Told him I was a sub and he loved that - he was a dom. He taught me to talk dirty. He was Hispanic, ex-marine, had me around his little finger. I liked him taking all of my power. I like to either totally have it or have it totally taken. He had total control. I orgasmed with him twice in the jungle. Orgasming made me feel like a healthy normal person. Functional!
When we were apart he’d send me gang bangs, sex videos the whole time. I got my vagina pierced for him. I’d do anything he wanted. Never felt so confident with someone. He was totally in control. I remember humping my pillow on Skype for him. When I got to New Yok, it became very clear that he was still in love with his wife. He was completely manic depressive. I kept telling myself it was ok, that it was what I wanted. The 3 months with him almost destroyed me as a person. He’d piss on me having sex. Choke me till I’d pass out. Spit at me. He did everything other than hitting me. Said he imagined his penis was like a knife stabbing me. Of course I didn’t tell anyone since I told everyone how amazing he was. All we’d do is fight. He would go through all my emails. He would destroy me but he’d fuck me so well after that. Total pain and pleasure addiction. Pushed all of my boundaries. Eventually I went back to London. He didn’t speak to me. He said he instantly went back to his wife. I decided to go to New York to a massage school. I was lonely and ended up getting into another sex thing with him but he treated me so badly I drew the line. He was a truly a horrible dark soul.
I’m married now. With my current partner I orgasm from time to time but it took us a lot of sexual therapy. My partner also has deep sexual issues. We’ve been together for 4 years. He’s 22 and I’m 30. We met at the massage school. I didn’t want to meet anyone but we really clicked. I decided that I wanted a best friend and have sexual stuff second. Sexual stuff got me into all kinds of places! It was not the same sexual spark I’d been used to with other guys but we fell in love very quickly. Then I found a message to another girl. I confronted him, we talked, thought it was resolved. Relationship carries on. A year in he wants to have threesomes, makes a lot of comments about women when we walk about. Obsessed with the idea of a threesome. I let it go. I told him about my orgasm issue and he put in a lot of work. He was very inexperienced. Worked on it. Things are going ok. We decided to get married and planned it. I never felt so happy. Had a fun hen party. Yeah, I finally did it and did it right - a good healthy relationship! I come back from the hen party and he tells me that he’d cheated on me. Not only cheated then but was also on porn sites, chat sites for the entirety of our relationship. I self harmed from that. It was 6 weeks before we were gonna get married. Biggest blow ever but he said he wanted me to know everything about him before the marriage. He has a porn addiction. Deep sexual issues from his dad being sexually abused. It brought out my stuff to the forefront. There’s been so much difficulty in our relationship. We have a deep bond and we won’t let each other go. We work to fix things. We sometimes come together but sex is not a core part of our relationship. Around this time my cousin gave me this book called “Vagina” and I started to work on my sexual issues.
Generally speaking no men know what to do other than porn. And porn is telling them all the wrong things. It’s not about blaming men but they don’t know what they’re doing. My friend Jose in NY - he introduced me to Taoism, to sex as an art form. Never heard such reverence, or thought of connecting sex to creativity. Had no idea. I put my body in a situation and that feels good or not. High blasted my vibrator. I just realised how much there was to be learned and explored. I was very angry at men generally speaking for a while. Angry about rape, child abuse. Blamed men for everything. I’m slightly calmer now. Still feels like I’m at a beginning. It’s like a beginning of a new chapter of my life. Discovering what my body and what my sexuality means. I’m half excited half scared. I feel a bit like an innocent woman. That’s where I’m at.
What does sex mean to you?
Not sure. That’s what I’m trying to find.
What’s difficult about sex?
The letting go. It takes me about an hour on my own. I’ll get a critical voice in my head - “no point in doing this”, “you can’t do this”; sometimes I’ll be in my pleasure and then I’ll suddenly think about shopping for groceries. Why do you do that brain? There is something stopping me from feeling and being. I tend to like rough sex - it helps me to get out of my mind.
What do you most enjoy about sex?
At its best it's about pure feeling and not thinking. It can be a spiritual thing. Sharing that with another human being is everything. There’s something really deep in that. Terrifying to me too.
Do you orgasm?
I’m trying to wean myself off my vibrator as I’m not really having them. I feel like I’m a deeply sexual person that’s been dampened and locked away. So much energy that needs to get out. When I orgasm I just want another one. To empty myself, somehow.
Do you masturbate?
Always used vibrators. I think I have numbed my nerve endings down there. Generally I will masturabate about once a day. We have separate bedrooms with my husband so I’ll do that before I go to sleep.
How often do you have sex?
Very recently quite a bit. Normally once or twice a month.
Do you do anything to prevent pregnancy or getting STDs?
He just pulls out.
How do you see female sexuality portrayed in the society and how does it make you feel?
Outraged and furious. Disgusted. I was watching a TED talk about the influence of porn of young men. They couldn’t find a control group! All of them watch porn. I feel like porn is the opposite of respecting women. I feel angry and hypocritical since I used to watch porn. It teaches young men the wrong things. A woman’s body is an art that needs to be mastered. I slept with 27 guys and not one of them put in the time. 90% of women need at least 20 min of foreplay to get into the right state to orgasm. I want the “Vagina” book to be on the curriculum. How we view the feminine and how we honour it relates to how we treat the Earth.
So many men have such insecurities and shame. It’s important not to be angry with men, to be compassionate. We’re all just wanking in our bedrooms and no one is talking to each other. It’s a huge part of life. Like eating. And yet no one talks about it. Porn just creates a web of shame and secrecy. Instant gratification. Teaches men to click and move on. It shapes young minds. The subconscious that gets shaped by that is just terrifying. When you get it out in the open we are all the same. We all just need to be frank about it and take sex out of the shame closet.
What’s your advice to women?
All women should know about sexuality. It should be in education. Everywhere. Being a woman is a deeply powerful mystical thing. Don’t you forget it.
What’s your advice to men?
Educate yourselves. Please. Read. Men should be taught the art of making love to a woman. The art of pleasuring her. That it’s an art. Society does not create or provide this knowledge. It’s not their fault they don’t know.
Is there anything you want to explore?
I’d like to experience sacred sex. That’s what I want to experience.