I'm still rolling around on my own. Not that I don't like my own company, but I’m 45 soon.
An interview with Joy.
Joy | Age: 44 | Location: London, UK | Occupation: Office manager | No. of sexual partners: 12
Why did you take part?
I like the idea of having more honesty around sex. Everything is so hidden. We should express more and be our true selves.
What events in your life shaped your sexuality? What’s your story?
I used to hold my t-shirt away from me when my breasts started growing. I wasn’t very comfortable with it. They were quite big quite quickly. I was very tomboyish. I remember coming across some porn magazines and that being curious. Played with dolls a lot. 15 was the first time I French kissed someone. At 16 I had my first boyfriend. We were the “it couple” until he cheated on me with Lola. He bought me a love ring and I remember giving it back. I was devastated.
At 18 I fell in love and was in a relationship for 6 years. Very safe and loved and healthy. Very strong reliable funny person. But then he started to feel panicked with being in a relationship, felt like he settled down too soon and was transparent about it. He started to do drugs and we grew apart. It took a toll on me. When we broke up I got together with someone else and that was for 10 years. That’s the best relationship I ever had with any man. He was intelligent and emotionally aware. Honest, loving. Everything you could have. We used to enjoy each other as people. We were free. But we grew apart in our last year. We were trying to make it work but the universe had its own way. I feel blessed that I had it but it’s hard to find that again. So from 18 to 34 I had two safe spaces. They all like to keep an eye on me. It’s wild. I’m that girl they didn’t go for. They didn’t quite let me go. I feel very grateful to have both of them as friends now.
11 years ago is when the ride started. Most of my growth has happened since. It’s been wonderful if unsettling, and sometimes exhausting. I’m being mindful about what I’m attracting and accepting the lessons. I met someone with a personality disorder going on. They needed a lot of reassurance. I’m a big giver but in the end I had to put up boundaries. It was the closest I’d been to anyone in 11 years. He met everyone, my family, all my friends. It was like a relationship without saying it. We woke each other up. We helped each other but he took from my energy. He always needed reassurance and wasn’t trusting, constantly testing. It was a lot of work. I found myself having arguments in the street - I was the things I said I’d never do in my life. I got so lost in it. It made me more careful about what I step into. He was trying to not lock me down and I wanted to get locked down.
I never did anything I didn’t want to. I’m good at asking for what I want. In that window of 10 years I had two connections with women. Just two encounters with each. Still see them from time to time as friends. I used to do a lot of online dating. Always had really good dates. So much fun to be had. They tend like me better than I like them though. These days age differences can be tricky. Now I want something solid and healthy balanced person around the same age and of a like mind. I want love. Fully letting someone in is amazing when you can be vulnerable. I like to learn from those I share a lot of time with. You have to feed each other. It’s very important, your bubble. It’s important to fly your own flag but it’s a blessing to share too. I’m open now to connecting to someone new. My antenna is sharp now, oh yeah. I’m 45 soon. I’d really like my next relationship to be a final one, to grow old with someone. But then the universe also has its own plan. I know what it’s like to have a long loving relationship but I feel tired. I have to be careful now. I’m not jaded but it could happen. I’ve lost a lot of energy and for what. I’m still rolling around on my own. Not that I don’t like my own company. But I’m just a bit tired and consumed by work.
What does sex mean to you?
Sex is sex and love making is love making. I don’t have urgency to just have sex for sex’s sake. I had 1 one-night-stand in the last 11 years. Best sex I had was in my long term relationship. Loving, safe, accepting, free space. Sexual energy is very important. We’re made from that place.
What’s difficult about sex?
Body image comes up from time to time, if I put on weight. I won’t want to get naked. It felt really vulnerable to do that in the last encounter. It was so powerful to share it and he did as well.
What do you most enjoy about sex?
Everything before the act. Sent text messages with classy shots. Never full frontal. Just a bit of lip or a bra that I’m wearing (always got it mind that if they got leaked you wouldn’t know it’s me.) Love to build the tension. When you finally do the act it’s like holy Jesus Mary and Christ.
I love talking dirty and being talked to dirty. I like to create a safe playful space. I’m very confident in the bedroom and like to push men’s boundaries. Toe sucking is the best. I love sucking fingers too. Eye contact, hello! I like blindfolds too. Shuts down the visual creatures that they are. I love to get my heels out too!
Do you orgasm?
I have them a lot like 9 out of 10 and shake a lot but I’m not regular lately; just not feeling it. I met a guy and I experienced something like a kundalini awakening. I thought I was coming before but then I started to definitely orgasm. It upped it. I didn’t know it could happen. It’s like a building sensation. The energy runs up. It’s almost too much. Sometimes it can take a while and I like to move slowly, to build. Being close to me helps as does talking.
How often do you have sex?
I don’t. I used to have hookups but not anymore. Last encounter was about 5 months ago. I was seeing the person regularly. Not a relationship but we were relating.
Do you masturbate?
Yes but I had periods when I didn’t. Generally 4 times a week maybe, end of the day. I’ve been good at it most of my life. Releasing sexual energy is a part of my health. Used to have a rabbit but it’s just too noisy. These days it’s all hands, fingers, fantasising. All sorts of scenarios. Girls, guys.
How do you see female sexuality portrayed in the society?
It’s always a stereotype. It’s always an image. A tick set. To me it’s the hidden bits are what’s important. I don’t feel like I need to play up to any stereotype. I like to tap into essence. I don’t have to wear a low cut dress. If you connect with me it’s through humour and intellect rather than me looking sexy.
What’s your advice to women?
Be true to yourself. Do and ask for what you want. Men are curious so create intrigue. Go slow. Create it. Be intrigue. Pace yourself. If you give them your best shot from the start there’s nowhere else to go.
What’s your advice to men?
Be honest about who you are and where you are. Share. It’s very rare to find someone that can share, to go both ways. When you share it’s so powerful.
Is there anything you want to explore?
A loving, honest and playful relationship.