I have an ongoing fantasy about paying for sex.
An interview with Jerome.
Jerome | Age: 33 | Location: London, UK | Born: UK | Occupation: Director | No. of sexual partners: 30
Why did you take part?
I haven’t talked about some of the things I’ve done with anyone so thought this would be a good opportunity.
What events in your life shaped your sexuality? What’s your story?
I owned a porn website before I started masturbating. I was quite late to it as an artform. So at 14 I had a porn website. Would take videos and repost. I knew people loved porn. I never really watched the videos.
My first girlfriend Amy she was 16 I was 15 we lost virginity to each other. As tees we had a fairly wild sex life. Commuter trains. Cafe loos. Lost virginity on a carpet with cat hair. I then had a girlfriend when I was 19. Quite beautiful Russian girl who was an academic, a few years older than me. We had good sex. She always had a lot of issues orgasming. Sometimes she would get frustrated. I’d also sometimes find that frustrating since it was normally easy for me to make girls orgasm. I was always trying to get her to let go.
I then had a relationship with a French girl younger than me. I was 23. I never had one night stands as a rule. Felt like they weren’t meaningful i guess. Didn’t want to do that sort of a thing. I met her on a train platform. She was trying to open a beer and she asked me to help her. We went together to a party at my friend’s and they knew each other already. I had to leave in the morning. We went to a hotel and had excited sex after watching sunrise in the morning. It was interesting because I didn’t know her. It was very passionate. By the time i left her in the morning I was like wow this woman is amazing. Her English wasn’t even that good those days. I came back to London and we started to have a relationship in the end. She had a tiny studio apt in Paris, I kept going back and forth. Would have sex. She moved to London and kinda lost herself a little bit, did a lot of drugs and we broke up.
I was seeing different women for a long time for a while. That was interesting. Had numerous encounters with people, some people became friends, some of them I don’t remember their names. I had LSD with my friend Ruth. In the afternoon we went to bed and I had the most cosmic blowjob of my life. Truly mind bending.
I got to know a friend who was into polyamory too at some point. The first time I encountered this I was very suspect. This is crazy, how can this work? I got reading and then I got into the idea of it much more. Through my friend’s lens. Read “Sex at dawn”. A little while later I met a friend of his who I had a lovely little affair with. Wonderful sexually and otherwise and I was like “if I get to connect with people like this then why not?” I think about it quite a lot but to be honest I haven’t met someone since then attractive enough and mentally open to have a non-conventional relationship. I met people who were super cute but wanted to be monogamous or people who were poly but I didn’t care about them. I met this girl recently too who is very open but when I got to bed with her i didn’t find her very sexually attractive.
I had a relationship with a girl called Cathy. For about 8 months. Reasonably kinky which was quite fun. First time I was with someone who wanted to be fucked really hard. Vibrators and dildos were a definite part of play for her. And then there is the last person who I saw for a few months. Very much into BDSM. Into girls too. Super interesting encounter. The sex was great. We got on really well. Very supportive to each other. I tend to fall for asses. I have a thing of falling for artists and supporting them. She fell into that category. We had interesting sex. Some of the boundaries of what she’d ask were tricky for me. Like she wanted to spit in her face while having sex with her. I’m not into denigrating. I really enjoyed the exploration though. Her rimming me. She brought some anal beads for me once. It was a sexual creative exploration. She was open to being with other people too but we never did. She once told me about a sex party. She had been with two guys and felt that I’d be disgusted but I was excited. It became a fantasy we’d talk about during sex. I saw her as a very sexual being. The idea of watching her being fucked was interesting for me. She used to get me really turned on. A mere note from her would send my penis into a permanent erection.
I feel like I got kinder. I also got demanding over the years. I now reject people straight out of hand because they’re not smart or pretty or open enough. It’s become harder to meet people I like. Bit of a curse.
What were the aha moments in your sexuality?
I really need to have a partner who is not necessarily poly but is open to being open. Over the course of our lives we would allow to do some exploration. Either the two of us together or separately. I don’t really desire to touch or play with another man so we’d probably play with women.
What does sex mean to you?
Delightful distraction from what’s really going on. It can be timeless or be super slow. Comes in all permutations. I feel like sex in a way bends time. Like a night out on drugs. It can morph time.
What’s difficult about sex?
Sometimes the idea of taking my clothes off is more exciting than the act itself. Once a girl came over. Had a bottle of wine. Discovered she had fake breasts and it really threw me. So weird. She thought I knew. I asked if they were fake. She asked if I didn’t like them and I said I did but they were terrible. It wasn’t a particularly good boob job. She got it when she was 18. A lot of self confidence issues I guess.
What do you most enjoy about sex?
Intimacy is a big part of it. Giving someone pleasure. My pleasure is secondary. If they’re having a good time you’re gonna have a good time too. I also have my own competition. I really want to come harder than ever. Over the years I feel like I get better and better.
Had this affair with a yoga teacher. I was going down on her and she squirted all over my face. I was like ‘yes’ I made someone squirt. She’d never done it before. Felt like an adult film. That’s fun.
How often do you have sex?
Quite infrequently since I don’t have a partner right now.
Do you masturbate?
Yeah. Once or twice a day. Normally before bed and getting up. A habit I guess. It’s just fun.
What specific things (e.g. techniques) have you found, alone and with partners, that have led to more pleasure in your sex life?
There is a gulf of difference between women who know how and don’t know how to use their hands on the penis. I find hands more interesting than mouths. I had this lovely Colombian girl. I wasn’t really expecting anything but then she used her fingers on the top of my penis that totally sent me over the edge.
How do you see sexuality portrayed in the society and how does it make you feel?
Obviously we are using sex to sell things. Which is fine I guess that’s how we evolved. I don’t really follow how gender is portrayed. Obviously we oversexualise women but I don’t have any strong feelings otherwise.
What’s your advice to men?
Talk to your partner about what they actually want or like. Very useful.
What’s your advice to women?
I’d encourage them to be wild and explore the edge of their fantasies. I think we’re often programmed to not explore and there are many smart women who were still very closed to anything beyond missionary or cowgirl. They’re repressed basically. If that valve got released the world would be a far more interesting place.
Is there anything you want to explore?
I have an ongoing fantasy about paying for sex. Having beautiful women in the room do whatever I ask them to do. Been thinking about it for a long time but I has conflicts with moral opinions about this thing. I assume they are consenting. I’d pay 1k for an hour. I imagine that at that level one almost assumes it’s a very active choice they’re making to be in the situation.
Once after a friend encouraged me I had an erotic massage. My friend was like you should really try this to unwind. “Really expensive but the women are really wonderful. A tantric experience.” I did do that and had an amazing time. I’d like to again at some point. I wonder about the stigma that we associate with this. I wish this was more acceptable socially. Probably the first time I shared this. Part of the fun was that it’s illicit. My heart was thumping out of my chest. Beautiful person, doors shut, crazy. Amazing experience. A very expensive wank. 350 pounds wank. For 1hour. Could have bought a new coat and some nice lube and a Michelin star meal. With all the poverty in the world to pay 350 pounds on an elaborate hand job makes it feel kind of ridiculous. A 100 pounds maybe but not 350.