The moment I feel they don’t care, that I’m just a cock, I shut down.
An interview with Jack.
Jack | Age: 52 | Location: London, UK | Born: Syria | Occupation: Consultant | No. of sexual partners: 100+
Why did you take part?
What events in your life shaped your sexuality? What’s your story?
I grew up in West Africa which is an incredibly sensual environment. The culture, the senses; everybody fucks and everybody dies. You see bodies every week. I was then sent to school in the UK. Absolute opposite - cold showers, no contact with girls, incredible suppression of sensuality. It was literally considered evil. In Africa we celebrated sensuality as something close to life. Same with creativity and fertility. School in England was rigidity and conformity and obedience.
I think the first erotic experience was when I was about 6 or 7 when a redhead girl from my class invited me to her house. Very red hair. I was 6. We just arrived in Nigeria and we sat in the red clay dust behind the garage. She sat with her legs wide open. She asked me to sit like that too. She got eggs out and started to make cakes with red mud. We used these eggs and played in the mud. She wore white knickers. We were pretty much naked. We made amazing shapes. We were making little figures. It was kind of like making a baby, or babies. Funny how it comes back when I talk about it.
First sexual contact was at 14 when I was at a party. We used to have a chalet on an island and we’d go down there and do sleepovers. 15 of us there, some of us friends of my brother older one. I woke up one morning and some girl was giving me a blow job! I was half asleep. I didn’t know her. I found out much later who it was. Shortly after that I went to france, we lived in a vineyard. I looked older at 14. I was then taken under the wing of this 21 year old French girl. She had burns from cigarettes. Party kind of a girl. She took me to the woods and taught me how to play poker, smoke, and fuck. She took me to the woods set up for hunting. Full of deer. We had just started to have sex and then I heard this noise. She said it was a stag so we wrapped things up. It was not terribly romantic. To this day i’m not a great fan of just fucking. She had terrible breath but she was very amusing. She was teaching me all these things, she was deliberately my mentor. Very useful. I then fell in love with another girl that I only got to kiss. The French girl was exciting but this other one was a Pakistani princess. We only had a chance to kiss before she was taken away to Switzerland. Then I found out a week later that Sunita was coming back just to see me! The French girl teased me she would tell her. When Sunita did turn up the French girl stepped forward and said “oh I heard so much about you, Jack can’t stop talking about you!” We went out holding hands and kissed again. She allowed me to touch her breasts. She had amazing breasts perfect. Individual works of art. I said can you hear my heart? My heart was beating so loudly. Being allowed to touch her breasts was so beautiful and more meaningful than this other game with this other girl. She was wearing this plastic chastity belt. It was the only way she was allowed to come see me. She had an arranged marriage waiting for her. Didn’t realise that these things existed. We held hands for a week. We were in love. Such an opening into a different culture. She didn’t know this man she was going to marry. I often wondered about her. She’d send me perfumed letters. She gave me 3 presents. Best pair of jeans, fitted me so well. A black leather belt. Both of these got nicked at school the first day I wore them. Also huge bottle of aftershave. First bottle ever, it made me feel oh-so-grown-up. I didn’t shave so it lasted me 5 years! It was so definitive for me. She treated me like a grown man. I found these two women as polar experiences. Chain smoking small breasted cynical girl with a heart of gold that was hidden. Then very secret long haired black beautiful skin mysterious layered woman. I tried to contact Sunita but it was impossible. She changed her name and moved to Pakistan.
At college I worked on a farm doing grapevines. Young american guy was there, ex G.I. I was working in this chateaux and his wife was mysteriously not around. They had a son. We became very good friends. A year later I met his wife, quite beautiful, dark, total opposite to him. She put me in a room with a shared bathroom to theirs. One night he was dropping people off and she came to my bedroom and fucked me. She came into my room and we talked. My bed was full of blood as she was bleeding. She told me they were separating. She liked him and he had an enormous cock but she wanted something mysterious. I was young and malleable. She was very sweet and intelligent. We’d talk for hours and he didn’t want to have anything to do with it. He was a simpler man. She wanted to be in control and I was malleable. He never forgave me. 25 years later I got a letter from her asking me for money. She sent me some socks which was a strange thing.
That woman was a mysterious woman and it connected me with this African sense of creation, of sexuality out of darkness. The mystery of existence is somehow connected to the feminine. I’m very masculine and I need femininity to make me feel whole. I probably over worshipped it at times and it cost some of my masculinity. It’s something I learned in my divorce. We need some separation, some space to provide the masculinity. The distance is very important to create it. The whirlwind of give and take. So I’m learning, I’ll always be learning, about being masculine. Providing the masculinity that’s needed separate from my interaction with femininity. Watching my sons it’s very confusing now with the gender politics. They haven’t even kissed a girl and my son is 18. My 15 year old got rejected and has denounced women. Very sensitive. Adamant that they cannot take the first step and the girls are adamant that they need to take the first step. He’s asked me how to get a girlfriend. He’s such a sweet person. He lives with his mum most of the time. I’d like to take them to an African or Latin American country for them to see other gender cultures. Guards go up as soon as you start talking about gender as a man. It’s a minefield now.
I was married. I had amazing sex for 15 years and then it became very routine and very predictable. We were going to talk to a therapist and I wanted to talk about sex. This woman we saw was just a hideous person. She was a total dragon interested in power. Knew nothing about sex. She made it all about power struggles and not about sex. We never did find anyone who could advise us how to regenerate. In the UK people always engage with things through the mind. There’s a big gap for people who understand and approve of sex. And enjoy it. It’s essential to our vitality.
What were the aha moments in your sexual journey?
Cocks are important. I have one. My friend said to me “I love my cock”. I used to have womb envy. I realised that I didn’t love my cock enough before. It was an insight. It hadn’t occurred to me to walk around loving my cock since I’m not really meant to be doing that. If you own one don’t make it dominant but respect it and take care of it. It’s part of masculinity and it’s something you can offer. It’s gonna be important to the girls!
Another thing was to stay in touch with the feminine. To be aware and to be flexible. To not go in with expectations or set way of doing things. One time I was with an Iranian girl that I’d been seeing for 3 months. We were kissing. I finally took her back to my room. I kissed her and she came up with this classic questions which is “what are you doing?”. I realised that it’s a question that’s come up a lot in my life. How you answer it is critical. You can’t say you want to fuck because that just crashes everything. Nor can you get embarrassed about it. I said I’m exploring. I said “let’s explore together”. She thought about it and said OK. To this day we’re exploring. We talked for an hour last night on the phone. If it’s a shared experience it’ll go much better. If you’re consuming you’re not sharing. I’m not good at separating love from sex like some are like some women seem to be.
What’s difficult about sex?
The most difficult thing is expectations. When you think you want a relationship and they just want to fuck. I’d gone to bed with someone and they don’t care by who they were with. The moment I feel they don’t care, that I’m just a cock, I shut down. I’ve had that a lot since the divorce.
What do you most enjoy about sex?
That’s a big list. I love sensuality. I’m a sensualist, not a sexualist. I love the rituals you develop. Finding, discovering parts of each other. New ways. If you can make love a new way every time. When you lose yourself in this other world, free flowing and discovering things. At some points you can get to a third world, like god. Another reality full of colours and purity and clarity, it exists, and you exist in it for a brief moment. Sharing a moment of eternity is amazing and you cannot predict it. You can’t write a book of 10 steps to get there. So much better than drugs or meditation. So much better than anything and I’ve tried a lot of things over the years. The coming together of the masculine and the feminine. When you’re up there you are together, unified, it doesn’t happen very often and it’s beyond words.
How often do you have sex?
I physically need sex but it varies. The more sex you have the more you need it. If I’m spending the weekend having sex 24hrs I’ll want it again. One day later I’ll be climbing the walls. 5 days is probably the maximum without sex. Though when I got divorced I didn’t have sex. Casual sex I’d like to explore though it doesn’t feel like me right now.
Do you orgasm?
I do but not frequently. It’s exhausting and it tends to end things. I like to journey and I can do a journey without completion easily. I find it difficult to restart at my age.
Do you masturbate?
I absolutely hate masturbating. I do when I have to, when I’m so horny I can’t think of anything else. I think it’s down to the public school times. We’d all be masturbating together and it felt like prison. Loving your cock thing is helping but it still has a sadness to it. I don’t have sadness after sex but after masturbation yes. Everything goes a bit grey and empty.
What specific things (e.g. techniques) have you found, alone and with partners, that have led to more pleasure in your sex life?
It’s about layering up. Start with the neck. I test someone’s level of sensuality with the neck and the ears. If they’re into sensuality they’ll like my kisses. If someone just sticks their tongue down my throat I’m a bit like please. The lower belly. The ass. The clitoris. At certain points in sex. If you’re inside and you put pressure on the lower belly and pull it back it can do quite a lot. It’s just about discovery. After the divorce I went out with a girl who really liked my body. If you love each others’ bodies it’s great. My ex-wife loved her body and I loved her body but my body didn’t get involved in that.
How do you see sexuality portrayed in the society and how does it make you feel?
Masculinity is mostly degraded to lads, to cheap relationships with women. My mates at work were in their 30s talking like they were 50. They couldn’t see any benefit in being a man not a boy because they had all their fun as boys and none as men. They would always try to pick up women. When I shared with his wife that we’d gone out he wasn’t impressed. They lived across 2 different world. One world of wives and one of naughty girls.
Once on Facebook I saw this letter that had million hits “I’d never been raped but…” is the start every time. The woman writes experiences none of which are anything like rape. “At the age of 15 I took my top off and my uncle looked at me and I felt violated”. My friend put this on his wall asking “what am I going to say to my girls in a world like this?” I said “maybe you should teach them to own their sexuality so they can dictate what they want. Teach them not to flaunt their victimhood as a badge of honour. It’s becoming a crusade. I suggest you don’t let them go down that path. Ultimately they have so much power, the boys are confused.” I got crucified for this. I never stepped back in this arena.
What’s your advice to men?
I have two boys. The first advice is that a woman is not a separate thing from a person. The sexuality depends on the person, not the gender. In a way there can be no generalisation. All this rubbish about how to pick up a woman. This idea of manipulating people to sell them something or get into bed with them is just ridiculous power games. The thing I’d advise my boys is that your sexual desires are not evil. They don’t lead everything. Don’t try to suppress them because they will bounce back. It’s like appetite for food. Don’t hide it. Don’t go on a diet and then crave cake. The biggest advice is try to find confidence in your sexuality and don’t feel guilty about it. A lot of information now suggests they should feel guilty, even the recent #metoo campaign. Boys and men are much more sensitive than they allow themselves or other people to think.
What’s your advice to women?
Be as confident about sexuality and if you’re not sure say you’re not sure. Ultimate advice is that if sex is done right it is a magical gift, it can take you far into where not even religious experiences can take you. Fucking is not important but it’s fucking important.
Is there anything you want to explore?
Basic affection is really much more important than we allow to acknowledge. Can you combine genuine affection with casual sex without an implication of relationship? Can you have a nice relationship with someone without it escalating into expectations that kill relationships?