I answered an ad to become a prostitute and it changed my life. I was 54 at the time.
An interview with Cyndy.
Cyndy | Age: 70 | Location: Miami, USA | Born: Texas, USA | Occupation: Sex coach | No. of sexual partners: -
Why did you take part?
Because I think sexuality is an important part of life and it’s often showed under the rug.
What events in your life shaped your sexuality? What’s your story?
I am going on 70 years old. I grew up when girls were girls and boys were boys. I was supposed to be coy and innocent and boy-centred. Please them by not knowing much and certainly not knowing anything about my own pleasure because that would mean I’m a slut. And if I was a slut I’d be ostracised.
I left that modest upbringing and got married for 25 years and had a nice sex life and a child. It wasn’t a very conscious sex life though. I didn’t really find myself till late 50s. Only then did I start to discover how much the body can feel. How empowered I could be by finding pleasure on my own, for me. I realised an intense curiosity about sexuality at that age. This led to me to answering an ad to become a prostitute. I was 54 at the time. It was a total fantasy. It was a self-esteem building profession. People came to me. I was in charge. I was deciding. It was so much fun. I loved it. It was short lived because I returned to school and took more intimacy courses. I became an intimacy worker and did a PhD in sexuality. I opened my online platform for erotic playwork and sex coaching. And they came. Everybody came. I got to meet people at their rawest core. Their most fearful. Their most hopeful. Their most clueless. Their most joyous. And I got to be a coach to help them love their body more, to share it more often in ways that felt better. I found my own voice. Nothing was what it seemed. If I was a prostitute and it was a good thing, how could anything be what people told you? Most people’s marriages are prostitution. Fulfilling a role so that you get rent paid and the groceries done with no honesty about sexuality.
I had to lie to most people. Being a sex worker or a prostitute or an erotic body worker brought problems so I felt isolated and didn’t know how to talk about myself and made mistakes. Part of my family didn’t understand. How do I tell my 25 year old son? It was an occupation that no one was supposed to do or talk about and I was loving it. I was in good company though. I was able to get support in the end and it made all the difference. I learned a way to talk about myself that didn't shake people up. My son told me he thought what I do is great but that I should tell his friends I’m a counsellor!
The men I love and relate with closely are so excited about who I am and value what I do. They might be intimidated but I make them feel real good. I’ve had serious relationships and I practice what I preach. I ask for yes and no. I take turns. I’m authentic in my sexuality. It has brought me so much pleasure and it continues as I age. You too will know so much more about how to please yourself and others. Old people need to tell you about this. I raised my son well. I made sure he traveled and studied languages but then what about sexuality? It’s such a huge part of his life. There’s nothing about it for us in our culture. I talked about it with my husband and we both lamented it. We keep thinking we know it all but meanwhile in other countries they do things all kinds of different way.
I like being a renegade. I like working under the radar. Writing books and having a PhD I can speak to groups and the message is so well received. We need more of this, like your project.
What were the aha moments in your sexual journey?
I remember going to the drive theatre when I was 16. My boyfriend touched my breasts. I looked at myself in the mirror and I said ‘don’t let anybody do that to you again’. I was in the mindset that I needed to be pure. I felt shamed. I was so conflicted. Of course I did it again - that’s what your body is made for. I remember really fighting myself. I lost virginity at 20. I thought I had to get over it.
I had to have an abortion before it was legal. We had to go underground. My mother came with me. We checked into a hotel and have a doctor come at 10pm to give me an abortion in a hotel room. Thank god my mother was there. He was legit but this experience has made me a feminist.
At age 50 I got divorced and left a small Texas town. I felt like I was a teenager in a grown woman's body. I was teaching violin and seeming normal and then suddenly I could do whatever I wanted. I had a great boyfriend at that time. We explored kink and erotica and BDSM, went to parties; we were truthful about sexuality. It was such a liberating relationship. I realised that I hadn’t explored it before. I just did what was expected. It took me being off on my own. I moved to Miami and I thought ‘am I going to continue teaching violin’? I didn’t want to. I could make my living with sexuality. I was honest for the first time. I knew my body would tell the truth and it was very alive and feeling in this work. This was and is my gift.
What does sex mean to you?
Sex is the most truthful part of ourselves. It’s where we connect with source and spirit. With who we are and who we are becoming. Body mind and soul. Moment to moment.
What’s difficult about sex?
It’s still always a challenge to be truthful. To not be a pleasing girl. Especially in my own private life rather than in professional life. I still fall into the habits.
Aging is a challenge. Orgasms change. They are not as strong. I feel lucky and kind of mad at menopause - at the picture that we are given. As a time of downfall and dried up crackiness. At menopause I felt like I was at the top of my cycle at all times. I became warmer as a person, my temperature literally rose. I stayed juicy and never had to use lubricants. I listen to my body and I don’t do things until my body is ready. I’m wet by the time my clothes come off. I listen to my own timing. It’s made sex wetter in my later years listening to my body. Still, aging is always a challenge. The body skin that doesn’t hold up as well. I weigh the same as I weighed at 30. You have 100 decisions a day that have to deal with that. Like not overeating. There’s nothing we do the same. I exercise more modestly. I eat less. The quality of the food is higher. I know how to combine my food. I know that my attitude needs to be positive and that I am responsible for the quality of my life.
What do you most enjoy about sex?
I enjoy the feeling of aliveness of my body. The shimmers, golden lights going off the core of my body. The lightness. The feeling in my heart that makes me want to reach out to the person I’m with. How can we play? What can we do? What can we create? How can we be in the moment having fun? How can I see this other person for who they really are? How can we bring pleasure to each other’s bodies? How can we feel safe in our bodies so that we can actually feel our bodies? I realise I went through so many motions when I was younger. I wasn’t feeling as much. I slowed up so much since. I can play with someone’s foot for a long time. I discovered the whole body. To dwell there. I learned how to slow men up too. I used to have to go with them. I always have my invisible rope with me. I say wait a minute and I tie his hand and I tie it to the pillow and I tie his other hand. I say ‘I get to have my way with you’. He says ‘I guess so’. Sometimes I’ll take my time looking at his body. I always ask for permission before I touch a part of his body so that he learns consent. I slow men down asking them to stay still. They can last longer that way. Men want to please and they think they know how to. They’re not asking. The part where they are not sure takes them away from their pleasure. Maybe I’ll let them have a turn, for a while. It has to be something I want, not too rough for me. I just learned to be in communication. I leave every partner better than when I found them. If we do it as sisters we make the world a better place.
Do you orgasm?
I’m doing kegels. About 60 a day. Then after a while my strength comes back. It also comes back if I don’t come daily.
My mum and I went on a trip when she was 85 years old, to a resort. I asked her in a bathtub ‘do you still have orgasms’? She said her orgasms still feel as good as 40 years ago. At 30 women are pleased to hear it’s not all over. Our culture thrives on the discardedness of women. I’m lucky I don’t have pain in my body. Where there’s a will there’s a way. Does life get better to you as you age? If you say yes to that then sex will be the same. It will continue to be the awesome gift that it is. You just need to do some fine tuning.
I orgasm during sex. It’s not if but when. I get to choose. I orgasm too soon, like a man. I have to pay attention to ride my waves of pleasure. It’s for me to read. I need to use him better for my pleasure and not just use it up. I can be multiorgasmic but if I have a big one I lose interest for a while.
How often do you have sex?
I don’t have regular sex as much as I used to but I think sex is everything. I think we’ve kind of had sex in this interview. Let’s go beyond sex as being penis in vagina. I have sex everyday, most of the day. The regular sex maybe once or twice a month.
Do you masturbate?
I do. I used to do it every day. Now I do it every 2-3 times a week. I want to enjoy it but sometimes I lose the consciousness of it. My new edge is to really love my fantasies. They’re not appropriate but they don’t hurt anyone. Enjoy yourself and whatever comes to you is your own core path to make sexuality heal and work for you. I accept more and more fantasies. I take 30-45 minutes. My vibrator broke and I need a new one. I don't really use or need any toys though. Masturbation is the meat and potato of sex. We need to have a really good attitude towards it. I started when I was 5 years old. I only knew my clit at the start. I will now have a finger on the g-spot. Double whammy. A finger will be inside.
How do you see female sexuality portrayed in the society and how does it make you feel?
The way women are portrayed is a very narrow view. Skinny blond big boobs. We have had to wade through that. Men too probably. We should be able to go topless. Things aren’t fair so grab the men who are your allies. You don’t have to be stuck with men who are trivial about it.
What’s your advice to women?
Become who you are and love it. Your body needs to be your best friend. Until you do that you’re gonna walk around with shame. Start talking. Communicate about sex. It’s so important and yet least examined. Be brave and talk about how you are and how you feel. Take charge. As women we have to take initiative. I came from a tradition where we shut up and men do it. It's disastrous. We have to tell them to stop moving. We just have to take the upper hand. We were told it’s not lady-like but most men absolutely love it. Because they know we feel pleasure. Less is more. I tell men over and over - stillness is a stroke. A musician has to play the rest when there. The intimacy begins to soak in in the stillness. Less fast less hard less of almost everything. I find men who are in their 60s or 70s who are so used to running the show. I ask them to leave. Take their wallet and go. It is a waste of time otherwise.
What’s your advice to men?
Is there anything you want to explore?
I would like to have a closer 1-1 relationship again. I’ve been polyamorous and able to say yes and no and have sensual delights and now I think I’m ready to have a longer relationship where I can go deeper. No marriage though.